pikeEveryone’s calling Ted Cruise a dirty, double crossing rat, because he gave his word that he would support the Republican nominee, and then refused to endorse Trump at the convention. Is Lyin’ Ted really a double crosser? Or is he a hero from a Sam Peckinpah movie, who went into the enemy’s nest on a suicidal mission, and did what his conscience told him to do regardless of the consequences?

His family’s honor had been smeared by the Trumpster, and he wanted revenge. But, you say, “He gave his word.”

Well, there’s a scene in The Wild Bunch, where Pike Bishop and Dutch Engstrom are discussing the betrayal of one of their former gang members, Deke Thornton, who’s helping the railroad posse track them down.

Pike Bishop: What would you do in his place? He gave his word.

Dutch Engstrom: He gave his word to a railroad.

Pike Bishop: It’s his word.

Dutch Engstrom: That ain’t what counts! It’s who you give it to!

Golden ArrowYou know what gets me? Whenever there’s a movie with some guy lost in the desert, invariably you’ll have that scene where the guy pulls out his canteen and finds it empty. He looks at it in surprise then with a snarl on his kisser, he tosses it away.

I was watching “The Golden Arrow,” a film that Tab Hunter made in 1962. It was an Italian Arabian Nights thing, directed by Antonio Margheriti no less. And sure enough old Tab is trying to cross a desert to find the Golden Arrow so he can marry the princess and he pulls his horse up, pulls out the canteen and … EMPTY. With that same snarl of disgust they always have, he tosses it away.

Whenever I see that scene, I always want to shout: “Hey, dummy. Why’d you throw the canteen away? What are you gonna do if you find some water up ahead? What are you going to carry it in? Don’t throw that canteen away! It’s not like they grow on trees out there in the Sahara!”

Old Tab Hunter with a very deep dubbed-in voice in The Golden Arrow. I hate to say I thought he was dead. But he isn’t. Still alive and kicking at age 85.

night ofHBO’s series “The Night of” got off to a pretty good start. Riveting drama as a young student makes mistake after mistake (all believable) and ends up charged with murder. Realistic film noir that reminded me of some of Cornell Woolrich’s stories. James Gandolfini was going to play the part of the lawyer who defends him but passed away after doing the pilot. They reshot it with John Turturro in the part. Remains to be seen how this develops. But the first episode of this eight part series was well done.

Wednesday July 13, all you Gene Autry, Roy Rogers fans be on the                      alert. TCM is showing roy.jpgtwo of their films each, including “In Old Santa Fe,” the Ken Maynard film that introduced Autry to the movies. and “Springtime in the Sierras,” one of Roy’s Trucolor westerns. “Love those shirts.”

It’s that time of year again. Every Fourth of July I bring back this blog I wrote back in 2012, which extols the virtues of Mr. Jean Shepherd and his famous story of Ludlow Kissell and the Dago Bomb that struck back. This year in the last few days I found there were a lot of searches for this particular blog entry, which is really great. More people should know about Jean Shepherd and what he wrote and talked about. As a special Independence Day treat, I’m including an audio recording of Shepherd on WOR Radio reading the story. You can download it here. So without further ado, have a great Fourth and enjoy this classic, and very funny story.

Hey, Gang, How’s it hanging? The Fourth of July, the day we celebrate our Independence in the U.S., is here once again.  Amidst the continuing threat of terrorism, and a contentious race for the White House, floods, and wildfires, and a society fragmented by political differences, we’re still hanging in there.

For me part of the Fourth of July tradition includes family gatherings, classic movies on Turner Classic Movies, a barbecue, some time at the local swimming pool, fireworks of course, and a reading from Jean Shepherd’s classic book, In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash. Some of you may know who Jean Shepherd is, others may not. Most people familiar with the name know him from the classic holiday film, A Christmas Story, which is based on Shepherd’s book. This is the movie about Ralphie (who is really Shepherd as a kid), growing up in Indiana, and wanting more than anything in the world a Red Ryder BB gun. The movie is shown in a 24-hour marathon every Christmas on one of the Turner Cable Channels. It’s Shepherd’s voice you hear narrating the story.

The real insiders know Shepherd from the nightly radio show he had from the late fifties to the mid-seventies on WOR radio in New York. Every night he would come on the air, alone and unscripted and talk. It wasn’t like talk radio today, though. He didn’t take phone calls. And he didn’t have a political ax to grind. He just sat alone and told stories. When he wasn’t telling stories, he did social commentary, or read haiku to “cheap guitar music.” Some of the stories he told ended up later as short stories in Playboy magazine and became the basis for the novel and two films: A Christmas Story, and My Summer Story. 

Among the many tales Shepherd told of growing up in the Midwest, one about an historic incident that took place in his neighborhood on the Fourth of July is one of my favorites. Ludlow Kissel and the Dago Bomb That Struck Back, describes one hot Independence Day when the town drunk (the term alcoholic wasn’t widely used back in the 1930s) showed up in the middle of his street carrying a lethal looking firecracker that in those days was known as the Dago Bomb. This was not an anti-Italian appellation, Shepherd explains, but was actually pro-Italian, the ne plus ultra of fireworks. In more effete circles is was known as an aerial bomb. It was big and looked like one of those non-existent firecrackers that show up in cartoons. It had a warnings on it, that indicated it should only be used by professionals.

So this one Fourth of July Ludlow Kissel appeared on the heat-shimmering horizon, “weaving spectacularly, and carrying a large paper bag as carefully as a totally committed drunk can. He was about to celebrate the founding of our nation, the nation which had provided such a bounteous life for him and his.” No one paid much attention as he inched his way from lamppost to lamppost and fire plug to fire plug and went into his house. He came out minutes later with the largest Dago Bomb anyone had ever seen. It was the first all-black Dago Heister anyone had ever laid eyes on and was suspected of actually being made in China!  Later some witnesses would argue that it wasn’t a firecracker at all, but was some sort of mortar shell.

Kissel staggered out to the middle of the street, set the firecracker on the ground and tried to light it. Neighbors peered nervously through windows, others came out on their front lawns. Several attempt to light the fuse with a match failed and a kid came up to Kissel with a lit punk and handed it to him. A crowd gathered. He lit the fuse, the crowd drew back. The fuse sputtered out and Ludlow lit it again but being too soused to know what he’s doing, he just stood there. “Hey Kissel, for god’s sake! It’s lit,” somebody yelled. “What’s lit?” Kissel said. He staggered around and knocked the Dago Bomb over and it went off.

Do I have to tell you what happened next? The expelled cartridge shot through the crowd, which ran for cover, and landed under Kissel’s front porch. It blew the porch off, then skittered next door, took down a neighbor’s rose trellis and ended up finally exploding under another neighbor’s car. Total devastation!

When it was over Kissel was still there in the middle of the street, on his knees and made his statement, which is even today part of the great legend. “My God! What a doozy!”

That was Jean Shepherd’s America. A different America in many ways from ours to be sure, but in some ways maybe not that different. We still watch fireworks, have barbecues, eat too much, and drink too much on the Fourth. We still have that urge to light that fuse and see the ultimate firework display of all time. Shepherd died in 1999 and I often wonder what he would say about our world today if he was still sitting behind the mic in a radio studio. He always knew that life was insane and that civilizations come and go, and most of us will be unremembered after we pass on. Probably he’d advise us to keep our sense of humor about it, and remind us,  as he always did to: “Keep your knees loose, and your duff close to the ground!”

I hope your Fourth is a doozy.

lot

Just back from The Legend of Tarzan. A bomb. More disappointing than I expected. The script is a hodgepodge, a jigsaw puzzle where none of the pieces fit. The characters have been overhauled and not in a good way. I got news for the writers and David Yates. Tarzan did not become Lord of the Apes by losing fights, on purpose or otherwise. He was Lord of the Jungle because he was the strongest, the smartest, the fastest cat in the jungle. As Gore Vidal wrote he was a great character because he fulfilled every man’s dream of dominating his environment. But that idea is probably too un-PC for today. In fact, the politically correct sentiments expressed in the themes and dialog of the film may be what derailed it. Such ideas did not exist in that time period, whether you like that fact or not. The result is a disjointed movie as unreal as the computer generated jungle animals. 

As much as I like Sam Jackson his streetwise dialog didn’t belong in this film. Margot Robbie should sue the writers for making her say the dumbest lines in the movie. When Tarzan snuggles up to some lions, she tells Sam, “He knew them when they were just little cubs.” I couldn’t help laughing out loud at that.

They set the movie 20 years earlier in history than the books. Guess they had to, to get King Leopold’s no good shenanigans into the story. Yet the sentiments and dialog were mostly 21 Century anachronisms.

The CGI left a lot to be desired. The vine swinging wasn’t photographed or created well enough to make it look real. I still think the gorilla look for the apes was wrong. They should have looked more like the apes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

There was one scene where Tarzan and his friends run into a small herd of elephants. Tarzan pets them and lets them lumber on down the jungle trail. I couldn’t help thinking, “Well, there goes his ride.”

The worst thing about it was the constant use of flashbacks to Tarzan’s origin story while the main story is in progress. I mean Tarzan had more flashbacks than Quai Chang Cain! Near the end of the film the back and forth in time bit made the climax of the movie pretty incoherent.

I’d rate this two stars, maybe two and half out of four. Too many missteps.

rAY

I watched the premier episode of the Fourth Season of Ray Donovan and wondered: “What the hell happened?”

It was a horrible mishmash of ideas that really didn’t belong together.

They’ve taken tough guy Ray and turned him into a weeping victim of child abuse by a man of the cloth and sat him down in group therapy.

His wife has cancer now.

Mickey is in Mexico setting up drunks in a casino and takes peyote.

Ray’s poor brother is devastated because he can’t get into the priesthood.

What what what ?

I knew there had to be some reason why the show suddenly had gotten wrecked. Just found out Ann Biderman, who created it, left and somebody new took over as show runner. He evidently got his script writing techniques from Dr. Phil.

Good bye, Ray.

lotDoes anyone else think the apes in the new Legend of Tarzan look more like gorillas than apes?

It’s clear in the books that the Great Apes that Tarzan grew up with were not gorillas. There were two words in Tarzan’s ape-lexicon that distinguished between the two different species. The apes were called the Mangani, while gorillas were referred to as Bolgani. Tarzan was a Tarmangani–a white ape.

dawn-of-the-planet-of-the-apes-caesar-hold

The animated apes in DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES look more like Edgar Rice Burroughs apes.

JOHNNYANGEL

Do you like George Raft Movies? Anybody out there old enough to even know who he was?

Well, anyway, today you can check out my Cinema Retro Review of “Johnny Angel,” one of Raft’s better films.

Click here.

blockbustercover

 

So here are my predictions for the big Fourth of July movie weekend. There are three big openings July 1. The Legend of Tarzan, The BFG, and The Purge: Election Year.

We all know who Tarzan is, and Warner Bros. has spent $180 on a new retelling of the Edgar Rice Burroughs story that has been brought to the screen in countless versions since 1918. I don’t know if you’re going to recognize him in this version. They hired David Yates, the Harry Potter director, to helm this one. From what I’ve read in publicity released in advance of the movie, it was all shot on sound stages in the UK with only exterior shots filmed in Gabon.It’s going to be heavy on CGI. Tarzan starts out seeming more gentrified than in previous incarnations.  It’s an all new story, not another remake of Tarzan the Ape Man, and will have to make $400 million in order to make a profit, according to Variety. . Who’s the market for this?

BFG is a Stephen Spielberg film about a boy and a giant. Based on a Roald Dahl story, it seems like an odd choice for a summer blockbuster. Most people don’t seem to know what it’s about, or never heard of the book. Spielberg has been predicting the end of big blockbusters if too many “tent pole” productions flop at the box office. You wonder if he’s trying to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Finally, there is Purge 3: Election year. This is the third in a successful series of films aimed at the market that matters most– teens looking for a date movie on Saturday night. The first two in the series grossed $200 million.

So here’s how I see it:

No. 1: The Purge 3: Election Year ($32 million opening weekend)

No. 2: The Legend of Tarzan ($29 million)

No. 3: BFG ($25 million).

chips

Dear Nabisco, (you stupid motherf—ers.

This is to inform you that I am done buying Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies. I’ve enjoyed them for years, but I hate the new packaging. Whose idea was it to do away with the old bag with the twist tops and go to this new lift and tear package that is absolutely impossible to seal shut once it has been opened. The cookies go stale in a matter of days once the package is opened. The sticky stuff on the left flap doesn’t work. The package is always slightly open no matter what you do.

Sure I can put them in a cookie jar, but that’s not the point. You shouldn’t sell cookies in packages that won’t keep the damn cookies fresh. So, nuts to you, jerk off Nabisco. I’m done with you. Living in today’s world, with rampant terrorism, mounting national debt, and lousy TV shows is hard enough. Why you gotta make it harder? Huh? Why?

A Dissatisfied Customer.

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