>A gong sounds<
KILLER ONE, IMMORTAL OF ASIA SIGNING ON:
It is well that you have heeded my warnings, subservient ones.The Shadows of Darkness have finished the first phase of their surveillance work and have found that a sufficient number of you have purchased ebook copies of “Hunting Monsters Is My Business” to forestall blasting any of you into the Void. For now. They report also that one of the wiser among you purchased a paperback copy of “Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto.” This pleases the Immortal of Asia very much.
“Hunting Monsters” was #6 in Amazon’s Top 100 horror/western ebooks a day ago but has already dropped to #15, More needs to be done. Ebook sales of “Rio Muerto” have been slowing down. This cannot persist. It is important for you to remember this is Two for Tuesday. You can obtain copies of both books without spending a penny of your paltry income if you are a member of Kindle Unlimited. And even if not, spending $3.99 on one of these mystical tomes may be the best investment of your insignificant lives.
Killer One, Immortal of Asia has spoken!
>The gong sounds again<
So they tore down the nice little old Giant Supermarket in our neighborhood and put up a huge, gigantic monstrosity that’s the size of an airport terminal. That’s how big and impersonal it is. The cashiers and workers are the same, although they’ve had to put more people on, but they seem lost and confused.
I mean it’s really large. The ceiling is way up there in the clouds, And it’s like a ceiling in a warehouse, with pipes and fans showing.
You can’t find anything. It takes about an hour to walk from one end to the other.
It’s all glass and steel. Another example of the depersonalization of 21 century life. We are merely cogs in the great pinball machine of consumerism. We only exist to serve the greater good of commercialism.
Think I’m kidding? Listen to this. This new Giant now has mini-shopping carts for little kids. You see these kids pushing their carts behind their mothers,and I swear to God, the carts have these long flag poles that are four or five feet tall, with a white flag at the top that says: “Customer in Training.”
You can’t start them young enough. Future cogs in the great airport of commerce. Is your flight arriving or departing?
Killer One, Immortal of Asia Speaks:
Oh mindless ones. Last night’s episode of Blindspot confirmed that it is already descending into the cliched canyon of cancelled cliffhangers. Why, oh puny television programmers, must you try to cram into your totally boring main characters, backstories that would make even the writers of daytime soaps cringe?
Last night we learned that Weller may have known Jane Doe when he was a little boy and that he knocked her out of a tree and gave her a scar on her neck, and his father is dying in hospital somewhere, but he doesn’t want to visit him. Wah, wah, wah. Jane has flashbacks of herself executing some white robed figure in a church. She wonders if she’s a terrible person.
Such inane characterization is meaningless, wretched script writers! You would do well to stick to the action scenes which are well done and better than most shows, especially being filmed in New York. Heed my words, you minions of NBC, if you do not stick more to the unraveling of the mystery of the tattoos you will find yourselves blasted into the eternal void of cancellation.
I am not alone in my assessment. Read this rather generous review.
NBC has announced it has given the Blindspot’s producers a back nine order. There is a chance you may yet succeed, minions, if you heed my advice.
Killer One, Immortal of Asia has spoken.
This is Killer One, Immortal of Asia:
Have you no sense, feeble minded ones? Last night I gave you fair warning what would happen to those foolish enough not to heed my words. Apparently the world is full of unbelievers. According to information provided by certain sources, no one– I repeat– no one –acquired either of the two venerable tomes to which I referred. There were no sales of either of the Mordecai Slate books. A deplorable state of affairs.
Perhaps you thought my warnings were mere idle threats. But now you know better, minions. You know the Immortal of Asia makes no threat he does not make good. You have already experienced the result. Last night as punishment, you were inflicted with two mind-numbing TV series premiers that certainly cost you dearly in loss of brain cells.
I’m referring to that laughable “Blood and Oil” starring Don Johnson, and “Quantico” starring a Bollywood pinup girl and other assorted nameless beings. (Although I do have to admit I rather enjoyed the scenes of havoc and destruction wrought on Grand Central Station). I promise you, if you do not act soon even more deadly rays will be sent to your brains through the receivers in your homes. Act now before it is too late.
Order here and here.
This is Killer One, the Immortal of Asia. I bid you greetings. Do not be afraid. I intend no immediate harm– not as long as my will is obeyed. Know that I am watching with an all powerful eye. Not the slightest incident, the most inconsequential action goes unnoticed. You are all under surveillance.
Soon the Time of Consequence will be here. Soon the Shadows of the Immortal will pass through your streets and alley ways to sort the wheat from the chaff. The Shadows will slip under your doors and through locked and shuttered windows and they will look to see who will live and who will be blasted to the everlasting darkness of the Void.
They will glide over your book shelves, and coffee tables, your night stands, even your bathrooms. They will be searching to see who was wise and who was foolish. The wise will be those who have purchased their copies of the Mordecai Slate books, the foolish will have not. Do I have to say that only the wise will be saved? There is still time, foolish ones. Join the wise. Go to Amazon.com and purchase your copies of Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto and Hunting Monsters Is My Business now. The Blood Moon Rises tonight. Only Mordecai can save you. That is all.
Ideas are funny things. Ideas for stories, in particular. In themselves, ideas don’t do much on their own. Writers get ideas all the time. It’s what you do with them that matters.
For instance, has anyone ever noticed that David Lynch’s BLUE VELVET and Sergio Leone’s A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS have almost the same basic plot idea? In both films, the protagonist encounters a helpless woman whose husband and child have been kidnapped by bad guys. But what these director/writers did with the basic concept resulted in two films so different from each other, hardly anyone has noticed they’re built around the same story idea.
In Lynch’s movie, rescuing the woman (Isabella Rossellini) from her predicament is the central problem that has to be solved. In Leone’s film, it’s more complicated in that Clint Eastwood’s Man With No Name pits himself against two rival gangs, and the problem of the helpless woman and her family is more of a subplot. Lynch focuses on the bizarre and psychotic situation Rossellini is in, filling his plot idea with strange characters (Dennis Hopper’s Frank, the strangest), weird sound effects and bizarre scenes of madness and perversion.
I’ve seen both these films several times and it wasn’t until watching BLUE VELVET on cable last night that I noticed the similarity. Was Lynch “inspired” by the Leone film? I wouldn’t go so far as to say he might have stolen Leone’s idea. After all, Leone appropriated the entire story of A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS from Akira Kurosawa’s YOJIMBO. And it is said Kurosawa “borrowed” the framework of the YOJIMBO story from Dashiell Hammett’s “Red Harvest.”
Looking through some reviews of BLUE VELVET on iMDB, I didn’t come across any that mentioned the similarity. Maybe at the time the film came out reviewers were too shocked by Lynch’s treatment of the story. Even all this time later it’s still a shocker.
If there’s something to be learned from this, I suppose, it’s that if you’re a writer you don’t necessarily have to come up with a new idea (Hollywood hasn’t had one in years.) You just need to find a new and different way to write up an old one.
Yes, indeed. Ideas are funny things.
Just speaking objectively, the GOP better send Jeb to the showers. He doesn’t have what it takes to sell his candidacy to the voters. The scary thing is those who can make the sale are two scary people. From what she said Carly would have us in a war with Russia within a week. Trump’s first week would consist of him sitting in the Oval Office muttering. “My God, what have I done? What do I do now? Get Psychic Friends on the phone. I need to talk to Joan!”
Does anyone else find that Michael Jordan/Hanes T shirt commercial disturbing? The one where he tears the tag off the back of the neck on this guy’s t-shirt in the movie theater. It’s a commercial touting the fact that Hanes underwear doesn’t have annoying tags. Okay so far, I guess, though, I’ve got to ask what gives Jordan the right to grab somebody else’s underwear tag in the first place?
But anyway, he tears it off and throws it away. Here’s the disturbing part. The tag lands in an open cup of soda. It lands there, floats for a second and sinks t the bottom of the cup.
First question: Whose cup is that? Some perfectly innocent person totally unaware of what’s going on? What happens when he or she drinks the soda. The label presents all kinds of hazards. First is the obvious choking hazard, if the cup owner take a good gulp and gets the label stuck in his throat. Second is how sanitary is a tag that’s been on the back of some guy’s sweaty neck? Suppose the guy has a skin disease, or the flu and is covered in germs?
This kind of flagrant disregard for the health and safety of fellow movies goers sets a bad example for all of Michael Jordan’s young fans. I can see kids across the nation ripping the tags off the necks of people in movie theaters. This can lead to all manner of health and safety dangers, if not actual epidemics, fist fights and riots.
I think Hanes needs to remove this obnoxious commercial from the airwaves immediately. If nothing else, they should add a written warning at the end of the commercial to wit:
WARNING: ALWAYS PUT THE LID ON YOUR SODA CUP WHEN SITTING IN A MOVIE THEATER NEAR MICHAEL JORDAN.
— The National T Shirt Tag Safety Committee,
Cinema Retro has just posted my review of the very fine western MONTE WALSH with Lee Marvin and Jack Palance It’s a film with two of the toughest tough guy actors in the business that eschews melodramatic violence for realism. Read the review here.