Every once in a while, when I should be doing something useful, like writing, I waste my time searching around the Internet for my book title, VAMPIRE SIEGE AT RIO MUERTO. Normally what you find are some reviews written by bloggers, but mostly links to vendors that sell the book both new and used copies in paperback. But every so often you come across something totally bizarre and incomprehensible. Like this advertisement from goldposters.com.
After a short intro it says:
“Goldposters is sunny to furnish you the well-known Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto. This is one of well-known produces on the store beause of this produce high characteristic and heaping features. Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto has made patrons so very cheerful. They like this one very much, it is best for them. The item is currently on sale with summary shipping.”
I’m glad that the book provides “heaping features” that make my fans “so very cheerful.” But wait. It gets better.
“The stylish design of Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto helps with ease of measurement. Relax with your body near a lying-down position with the one and your legs above heart level. The produce can plan intercourse at their convenience. The one deliver higher output and less noise for improved job performance.”
As Johnny Carson used to say, “I wouldn’t touch that line with a ten-foot pole.”
And there’s: “The unit has special a plastic dome that helps keep the straps apart. The unit is perfect for removing finger prints. Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto is designed to provide the essential ceramides and multiple skin nurturing ingredients.”
A plastic dome? And it removes finger prints! I’m beginning to think maybe this is something the authorities should be alerted to. Criminals have often resorted to having their fingerprints removed so they couldn’t be identified.
“Recording each day’s basal body temperature with Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto will help you predict ovulation. This one can be massaged into your skin each morning. The product will appreciate the added elegance of gold-plated handles. This product will make all your dreams come true.”
Well now they finally said it. Most advertisers shy away from such boldness, but not these guys. How many products have you bought that you were disappointed in. And yet you keep buying stuff, thinking the next thing you buy is going to really do it. Well, Goldposters.com comes right out and says it. “This product will make all your dreams come true.” I don’t think I’ve ever had a better review.
And finally, there is this piece de resistance.
“Vampire Siege at Rio Muerto prevent diaper messes from touching the inside of the pail.”
You know, I can personally guarantee that.